You could place me in the Lordship salvation camp – one who believes that if Christ is your savior, He is also your Lord. And if He is your Lord, your life will demonstrate a pattern of repentance and obedience to His Law (Mt 7:32). So, I have difficulty classifying my own spiritual journey. From the ages of 13-23, I drank down sin like the parched desert sand soaks up the monsoon rain. Yet during that time, I think I was saved. I know, shocking! Maybe I am wrong, just because my name was written in my own book of life, doesn’t mean it was in the Lamb’s. He wrote His before the world’s foundation, and mine doesn’t have any such credence. But I think I was one of the Good shepherd’s sheep, if one who had thoroughly lost his way:
I would describe my Christian upbringing as better than nominal, and I remember my own conversion at age 6. It was during the summer of that year, I had just returned home from a week visiting my grandma, and for no reason in particular, I remember being overcome with this intense feeling of condemnation. Even though there was no specific sin that brought about this feeling, it was very real to me. I was sitting on the couch sobbing under the weight of this great burden of sin, when my mom found me, and asked what was wrong. “I don’t know,” I told her, “I just feel so guilty.” Mom wisely brought me through the Roman’s Road and I prayed to receive Christ as my Lord and Savior – please do not hear that as an endorsement of the sinner’s prayer, as I have some reservation on this methodology – but immediately upon uttering those words, that great burden was lifted from my soul, and my tears of oppression were transformed into tears of joy!
If only my heart’s joy in Christ that day would have been the theme song of my life, but such was not the His good plan, and I strayed from Him. I have tried to pinpoint the pathology of my wayward youth as it’s incongruity with Christ’s Lordship really bothers me. I guess simply put you could say: I did the sinning, and Christ did the saving. When I delve deeply into my soul I think my big issue was that, from an early age I became extremely nihilistic. It’s no real surprise, I suppose, as I was raised primarily by television, and secondarily by the public education system, and so in my teen years I developed this deep seeded idea that there was no meaning in life, no fundamental truth to be devoted to. When I say that I was a nihilistic teenager, I know you probably are thinking of many such teenagers who just don’t seem to care. Without getting into specifics…let’s just say that I had the courage of my convictions. I was nothing if not consistent, for logically, if there is no ultimate meaning in life, then what other purpose is there other than hedonism.
Oh, how I wish that I had seen Christ as more than just savior, more than even than Lord. I wish I had seen Him as beautiful. As worthy, worthy of my admiration, and worthy of my devotion. But such was not the case. I really believe I still knew Him as God and even Savior throughout these years, I remember always being sure of Him, and even frequently coming to Christ’s defense as I navigated the slough of erudite, mind-altering circles that I spent a decade trudging through. My solace is the firm knowledge that all things happen at the Lord’s providence (Rom 8:28), for His people’s good and His Glory. And that He who has been forgiven much, loves much.
I have no radical reconversion story. There is no dramatic event that drew me back to Christ and His church. It was just a slow steady draw. Tug, the Lord drew me back into a church that was close to my house. Tug, he brought my dear wife Sara into my life. Tug, he brought me sorrows and troubles in my depravity. Tug, tug, tug and by my 25th year, I was His fully. And today He is my all in all, and I joyfully pray with the Psalmist:
Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O LORD!
The biggest takeaway I have from my 20/20 hindsight is how important it is to teach our youth that there is a fundamental truth. To give them a vision of our glorious Christ. To teach them that in this world of fleeting pleasure and endless distraction, there is a person worthy of our adoration, worthy of our devotion. And building His Kingdom is the greatest life’s work imaginable!